single. mom. female

As I carried my sweet boy down the stairs and into the kitchen, I remembered what it was like to have an actual baby, a little person curled into my shoulder that I could hold with one hand who wouldn’t squirm loose. For a minute I missed that. I still miss that, that baby stage.

 I keep wanting to get rid of debt, build up more more more money, get things ‘fixed’ before doing anything else that I want to do and I’m slowly realizing that that’s just not it. I wont be making the amount of money that I was making two years ago. I wont ever have all the gadgets, the expensive car, tons in savings. Or maybe I will, I could, but that’s just not it right now. Waiting around isn’t doing it for me anymore. I keep thinking of my current situation as one that I need to run from. ‘I’m not making enough money, scramble scramble scramble’ but I don’t want to have to. I want to have enough and for that I’ll work and I do but I’m no longer trying to push myself to a level that I may not ever reach. I think I just need to look at where I am and decide how to make it what I want it to be. I can honestly say that that life is simple, doesn’t require as much as the life I would be running to so I wont stress myself by putting in too much.

Can I feed myself, my child, another child, and another child? (I would love three little ones in life - no rush on that third one).

Do we have a home and can I keep it? So far I’ve struggled as a homeowner but I am a homeowner.

Do we have reliable transportation? The reliable part is often challenged. i drive for a living and my car feels it (and probably doesn’t like it) so there are non-negotiable expenses but I have no car notes and J has a safe car seat for the long haul. My plan is to keep it up and keep this car together.

We have the basics that I would stress without. I have basic skills that could keep us going and that can even be bartered if needed. I have these skills. I have ideas.

This thought of waiting around till it gets tons better isn’t it. I don’t want to wait too much longer. Not anymore. Not to have the things I want that do include a second child. That do include little bits of time away. That includes a larger garden, better water usage, lots of learning.

I don’t know why I think this simpler life includes a ton more money. Some more money, sure, but my mind is stuck on needing tons more and with that thought, I’ll never go anywhere in life. There is too much to see and do to worry and stress as much as I was. I think I’m done and I think that eventually I will be ready for another little person who will curl into my shoulder. I’d rather move towards that rather than another job in addition  to my current job to take up my time and make me feel like I need, need, need instead of that I have plenty.

Plenty to think over.

Emergency Fund Update

I hit $45 tonight. Well just over $46 now. Finally. It only took nearly a month to get to this point.I yearn for the time I had that large amount in savings. I haven’t been able to sock away anything from my last paycheck due to one paycheck a month completely going towards the mortgage. Completely. So there was nothing of that for anything at all. With the cost of gas for work nearing $70 a week (or so) my money is obviously going other places. This next check though I’m going to budget very carefully so that it goes to all the places it needs to go.

 I got a new budgeting app so I’ll see if that will help me stay on track. I’m usually good at keeping away from larger temptations but I need all the help I can get.

I’m considering a new daytime job (part-time) and also considering going back to school. Yay me. Going to bed now.

Money Rant

There is a bazillion things I want to post - aerial class coming to an end this week, my aunt passing, our car wreck - but last night one thing struck me. I have $.12 in my emergency fund. Twelve cents. The poor neglected thing.

The middle of last year, I had a total of $1400 in savings. Sure did. I took my Dave Ramsey class and worked my butt off to save up money in order to put it all in savings. I wanted us covered just in case but I didn’t get to keep any of it long. House stuff, mortgage stuff, car stuff. It took it all away slowly but surely.

Now when I read this little blogs with these moms boasting of great clothes and ample time, I get frustrated. I know being debt free (and maybe living in another area cause you can’t raise chickens here) would do it for me but on $.12 in savings? Nope. On my small time job? Nope. Without a second income? Nope.

I want to be able to run a business with little bits of income on the side for variety and I want enough land and a nice house and at least two more children. I want nice clothes too. I want more than $.12 and a paycheck that might come soon or might make me wait.

 I have a jar of change that I started this year that probably isn’t more than a dollar or two but I’m going to count it and throw it in the EF (emergency fund) jar. I need to get us back to $1400 ASAP so I can then throw money towards other areas and get us to where I want us to be.

The hardest part is getting it and keeping it in savings. Almost everything is an emergency sometimes. I really just need everything to calm down or pause so I can save, save, save then move on. I need to get us secure, start paying off this debt but first maybe I’ll stop reading these stupid blogs that frustrate rather than motivate me.

ETA: Forget it. I’m going with $500 in the bank for emergencies for right now. We’ll just have to be careful, right?

I’m also planning to put a small amount from each paycheck towards debt. This week I’m paying an old Chase account charge of $24. Just something to get us going.

I don’t have any credit card debt (paid that off last year). I have no car loans (and I finally got an alignment and oil change though I still need more done). I have my mortgage, student loans, consumer debt and medical debt to get rid of before I can start looking awesome in better clothes.